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The Anatomy of Nice Guys

by | Ideas

Feb 15, 2024

Nice guys are almost always all the same. There are no special ones. In fact, it is that thought or belief that makes them nice guys in the first place. The “I am special” thought. In this article, we will be showing you the anatomy of nice guys. What makes them nice guys and what goes through their minds: 

A Dependence on Acceptance 

At the core of the nice guy is a desire that drives them to seek acceptance from people even when they should not be doing that. 

This desire for acceptance comes from an inability to self-validate. 

Most guys who are confident in themselves and in what they are don’t like to be validated outwardly. They rather prefer to do that by validating themselves. 

Why do nice guys like validation so much? Of course, they do so because they are more outwardly driven. 

They do not live inwardly. They don’t live for themselves. They live for other people, to hear that people love them. 

To get out of being a nice guy, you have got to find ways to validate yourself without necessarily needing other people to do it for you. 

One of the most practical ways to do this is:

Develop the Guts to be Disliked

Think about walking into a place, and everyone sighs. If you are a nice guy, this is going to be one of the most scary thoughts ever. But the truth is, as much as it is scary, it is something you have got to embrace eventually. 

You have to be bold enough to be disliked. 

This is going to make you less dependent on what people say. 

Even though you may feel as though acting a certain way is going to make people like you, there is really no possible way to be liked by everyone. 

There is not one person in the world who is loved by everyone. Even the celebrities you look up to have haters. And ironically, they may have far more haters than you do. How does that sound?

Read: 10 Unexpected Things Women Might Find Puzzling About Men

Reframe your Idea of Success

At the core of people who seek validation from everyone is a mangled idea of what success should be. 

Ask a nice guy what he thinks success should look like, and you will hear things like:

“I want to succeed so that people will like me and I can get all the girls I want without even trying too hard.”

This may be an extreme example, but I promise you that nice guys almost always think this way. 

To get out of this need to be validated by people, change your ideas of what success should be. Success should be about you and not about others. 

Success should be you getting your dream car. Should be your dream profession, etc 

Get Yourself Gifts

There is something caring for himself does for the nice guy. It takes away the focus from other people and puts it on him. 

Whatever niceness you expect to get from other people, give it to yourself first. 

Thinking of getting a gift for a woman you like so she likes you back? Don’t do it. Get yourself a gift instead. 

Nice Guys Are Transactional in Nature

This is very surprising to anyone who does not know nice guys by their anatomy. When I first spoke about the transactional nature of nice guys years ago, everyone gasped. They did not know nice guys so deeply. But I did. 

Everything a nice guy does is done to draw a reaction from the person he admires. 

If he gifts a woman a shoe, for example, he is not doing it because he likes her so much. It is more about him than it is about her. He is doing it because he wants her to like him. 

No nice guy ever says: “Let me give her a gift so that she finds joy in what I have given her.”

It is always: “Let me give her a gift so that she can like me more.”

Nice guys are also very transactional about their attention. They won’t give anything for free. They want something back, almost always. 

This is why they get so butt hurt when they don’t receive anything in return. If a nice guy showers a woman with gifts with the hope that she will love him but gets no love from her in the end, he is sure to swoon with anger. 

He is sure to throw tantrums like a child and have bad words all over the place. 

Here is how to get over this as a nice guy:

Give Compliments More

Yes. Give compliments. And don’t give them because you want anything back. 

Give to people who can’t give anything in return

There is something deeply rewarding about giving to people who cannot give back in return. The nice guy must learn this. He must know that giving should be done with a heart that does not always seek to receive back. 

Read: 10 Tiny Things Men Secretly Want From You

Nice guys have learned suppression

At the core of almost all nice guys is an amazing ability to suppress their own wants and emotions as long as it promises them some future rewards. 

For example, a nice guy will often take on that “special” stance that he is not like other guys and that he does not want sex from a woman. He often wants sex so badly but has learned to suppress himself. This is his anatomy. 

The woman often sees through this and will gladly deny him sex. 

A nice guy who seeks to denounce this anatomy must learn to not suppress himself. He must learn that his wants are very valid. And that there is no one whose wants are more valid than his. 

The Absence of a Leading Masculine Figure 

In almost all nice guys, you will find that there is the absence of a leading masculine figure. Luckily, this is quite easy to fix. Just get a male figure you admire and learn from him. 


Luckily, nice guys can bring themselves out of that ever-cringing cage. 

By Ubong

Ubong Johnson is a medic, writer, and editor whose writings explore the complexities of human interactions. He has been published on The Healing Muse, a journal by Upstate Medical University, Blood and Thunder, a journal from Oklahoma University Medical College, and other journals of humanities. Ubong lives in Lagos and is currently undergoing training as a behavioral psychologist.

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