Commitment is actually such a complex thing to talk about. In this article, as a sequel to our article, “Signs He Wants to Get You Pregnant,” we talk about all the five stages of commitment we expect you to see in your relationship as it progresses.
1. The mentally committed/ non-sexual commitment stage
This is the stage often described as the talking stage. What we expect to see is a relationship between people who are mentally committed to each other but not sexually committed. Notice how I used the word “mental” instead of emotional? This is because that’s just the way it is.
Mental commitment is not the same thing as emotional commitment, even though they may often resemble each other.
With mental commitment, there is a glaring realisation that someone has become a part of your life. It is a realization that, however, seldom includes the need to become sexually exclusive.
So in this state of commitment, one should expect the other partner to continue having sex with other people. Especiallythe male partner.
Kingsley tells us: “When I meet someone new, I can tell I am going to like them. The thought is there, at the back of my head, that I will be such a huge part of their lives and vice versa. But the truth remains that it is often hard to stay sexually exclusive with them. There exists a small but obvious chance that I will continue to sleep with other people.”
A lot of guys agree that this is true.
Read: 9 Signs you’re in a relationship
2. The emotionally committed/sexually non-committed stage
This stage is also part of what is described as the talking stage. It usually shows ups about two to three weeks after the previous stage. In this stage, we usually expect to see the vignette of two people who are emotionally attached to each other. There is such an intense emotional attachment.
This attachment comes from both ends.
For some women, this is the stage where she realizes that: “Hey, I may actually really love this guy.”
It is the stage where she begins to feel some sexual tension and a desire to have sex.
Lesoda says: “I know the relationship has tripped into the second stage of commitment when there is such a strong emotional response to him and the things he says or does. When he can have such a huge influence on me without even trying.”
For men, the hallmark of this stage is often a need to keep away from many of their other partners and focus on this particular one.
Otobong says: “I know my relationship has entered into its second stage when I begin to ‘feel’ conversations with her: feelings mean I am beginning to really like her.”
However, this stage is often bereft of sexual commitment even though there is such a strong emotional connection. This is because things are not yet so defined, and also because sex most likely hasn’t happened yet.
When sex happens, the relationship moves over to a stage of deeper commitment.
3. The emotionally committed/sexually committed stage
This is the stage where one is expected to answer a lot of questions.
Most of these questions come from the woman and often try to define things.
You will often hear a lot of: “What are we” type questions. Where the woman or man tries to know what is going on, and if there will be an even deeper emotional and sexual connection.
Many relationships never really make it past here. The few that do often make it into even deeper levels of commitment and affection.
This stage of commitment is often tripped off by sexual activity. Sometimes as far blown as actual sex. Other times something as small as a first kiss.
I believe the need for phsycial and emotional commitment seen here may come from a biological feature which makes us possessive. We become possessive when our bodies release oxytocin. Oxytocin is often released during sex, or when there is intense phsycial contact.
Another theory I have, is that sexual commitment is often sought after the first sexual activity following a need to feel safe. People want to have safe sex, and there is no sex safer than sex with a partner who has had no sexual partners besides you in a long, long time.
Other theories exist, but I believe these two are what define this stage of commitment. The best way to get past this stage, into a stage of stability and definition, is to keep an open mind with each other, trusting each other on days when trust is hard.
Read: The Five Types of Sex
4. The stage of stability and definitions
This is a commitment stage hallmarked by stability and the definition of the relationship. By stability, I mean, all forms of emotional and sexual commitment become even more apparent.
The woman begins to discard every other man in her life who might have been a prospective lover. And the man begins to discard every woman in his life with enough power over him to inspire cheating.
The word “cheating” becomes more and more real. The partners use it to describe any form of infidelity.
As regards definitions, what that means, is that the relationship becomes a lot more defined.
This stage is one that provides the answer to that “what are we question.” This is where the man asks the woman to be his lover and she says yes to him.
5. The relationship stage
This is the final and deeper stage of the relationship. It is called the relationship stage because both of you begin to explore even deeper aspects of your relationship with each other.
It can last for a long, long time. Often, it goes deeper and deeper until marriage.
From merely being in a relationship, you become engaged to each other and then you begin to consider marriage. If things break apart, it usually happens here.
Summary
Commitment usually deepens over time. And it is such a beautiful thing.
