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How to Deal with Sexual Performance Anxiety

by | Health & Wellness, Sensual Intimacy

Jun 27, 2024

Sexual performance anxiety is, simply put, anxiety in the bedroom that borders around poor performance. Many men experience a lot of performance anxiety from time to time. In fact, the first few times a man has sex, he is supposed to feel some anxiety over whether or not the sex will be great. It only becomes an issue when this lingers on, causing problems for both him and his spouse. In this article, we show you real-life tips on how to deal with sexual performance anxiety.

1. Don’t think thoughts for your partner

One thing a lot of men who have performance anxiety do wrong is project. 

They tend to project their fear onto their partners. 

Once, I talked to a man who was so certain he had just had bad sex. 

“Did you enjoy it?”

I asked him. He didn’t deny it. 

So, I asked again: “Then what makes you think your partner did not enjoy it?”

“I just know,” He said. “I know she didn’t enjoy it at all. They don’t always enjoy it.”

Don’t be like this guy. Don’t write off your sexual experiences before they even begin. Don’t think thoughts for your partner. 

Sex may not be what you want it to be just yet. But believe me, it may be exactly what your partner wants. Especially if they haven’t complained. 

It’ll surprise you to figure this out, I know. But this doesn’t stop it from being reality. 

2. Have the mindset for sex

Sex is sometimes a mindset thing. You have got to have the right mindset to have good sex. 

This means you should come to see sex as something amazing. All your mental blockades against sex should be removed one after the other. 

Allow yourself to accept that great sex is something that you have a right to. Something that should be done whenever you want it done, as long as your partner is there to provide consent. 

Heal all forms of sexual trauma you have experienced in the past. This is such a great start. 

Read: How to Last More than Two Minutes In Bed

3.⁠ Set proper expectations

Some men don’t do so well in bed because their expectations are outrageous.

I will tell you something for free: your mind is going to be your number one discourager if you don’t set your expectations right. 

I found this out one morning when I woke up with an unhealthy expectation about my day. I was still in the medical school. I sat on my bed that morning and told myself I would read a hundred pages from my anatomy text and another two hundred from my physiology text. 

Guess how many pages I ended up reading?

None. Seriously, none. My mind discouraged me so much that I just let the entire day go to waste. 

If you’re telling yourself that you will have ten hours of sex (I know that’s a big exaggeration), best believe that your mind is going to really discourage you. 

It will do so by impounding a lot of anxiety on you. You may notice how much better it feels when you don’t carry around those undue expectations. 

4.⁠ Love your body

Most men who have some form of sexual performance anxiety around sex are ones who don’t like the way their bodies look. 

They will either describe themselves as fat or, unhealthy, or just ugly. 

Whatever names they choose to use, the reality is they don’t just like their looks. 

If you don’t like your body, it may be time to put some more effort into making sure that it doesn’t swallow you up. 

You can start small, but make sure that effort is being made to change the way you see yourself. Perhaps you can even make more effort to actually change things about you that you don’t like. 

Losing some weight, for example, may help guys on the bigger side feel a lot smaller. And as a result, they will notice a complete disappearance of performance anxiety. 

Exercise can also go a long way to help one’s self-esteem. 

Diamond, 25, a college student in the UK, tells us that he saw a huge improvement in his self-esteem when he began to work out. 

“It felt like I could touch the skies.” He says. “And this showed up in every facet of my adult life. I became better at school and better in bed.”

Finding ways to appreciate your body better is going to change your life quite literally. 

Read: 10 Tips for Getting and Staying Hard

5. Get as turned on as possible

When it comes to emotions, one thing you have to realize is that the stronger emotion always swallows up the weaker one. 

Think of that one time you were very happy about something. And then, all of a sudden, you felt such a huge wave of sadness. 

That happened because the sad feeling was much stronger than the happy one. 

One of the ways to let go of your sexual performance anxiety is to swallow up that anxiety with intense sexual desire. This means that before you even think to have sexual contact, you have to be as turned on as possible. 

Reach your threshold of sexual tension. That is a point where you cannot think of anything else aside from sex. 

I recommended this for a couple of guys who had reached out to me via email, and quite recently, they reached out to me, telling me tales about how effective the method is. 

N. Says: “It really does work. You even feel like you’re in such a hot space that you can’t even think about getting anxious. You’re consumed with desire, and that desire creates enjoyment for you.”

You can reach your threshold of sexual desire by practicing periodical abstinence. This is when you willfully stay away from sex for some time so you can get hornier than ever. 

All the while, you’ll be reading erotic books and seeing erotic movies. The more turned on you get, the more your anxiety around performance is peeled away. 

6. Engage in foreplay

Foreplay is not the enemy. The truth is that guys who do a lot of foreplay have better sex. And they may even be a lot more anxious. 

Foreplay works by heightening your sexual desire. If you’re being sucked, for example, for such a long time, and especially if the woman is good enough, the only thing that will remain on your mind is the thought of being fucked. 

Ilo tells us: “I think it is the best feeling ever. When I am receiving good head for such a long time, there comes a time when I cannot even think straight; all I want to do is have sex.”

Try this too. You are sure to see such a marked improvement in your overall sexual experience. 

7. Don’t stop; keep going

There will be times when your anxiety tries to overpower your sexual desire. You may be tempted to stop. To just push your partner away and be on your way. 

But, don’t. Don’t do that to yourself. You owe it to yourself and to your partner to explore and overcome your weaknesses together. So, keep going. 

Keep seeking to reach your sexual threshold. Keep trying to do all it takes for that anxiety to disappear completely. I assure you that it will indeed disappear. It always does. Anxiety doesn’t stay long when there is a stronger feeling in its neck. 

You should also have more sex. More sex may mean more experience. When it comes to matters of the bedroom, head knowledge seldom does the work. You have to keep trying. Go out there. Fail. Try again. Reach your threshold. Get driven back. Try again. On and on until you’re anxiety-free. 

Read: How to Improve Your Erection Without Any Pills

8. Talk to your partner about any changes you’ll be making

When dealing with any problems in the bedroom, it is best if you involve your partner. It might be your problem, but it affects you both. And so her help becomes something you need. 

Talk to your partner about your struggles, and together, find ways to deal with them. You may have to make some changes in the bedroom. You may have to settle for shorter sex, for example, and keep up until you begin to see improvements. 

You may even demand your partner’s help. Men who have partners who motivate them do better in the healing process. 

9. Give yourself time

Don’t rush. Don’t rush. Don’t rush. There. Said it thrice to drive the point home. Rushing is only going to make you more anxious. Rushing is a kind of anxiety.  

Give yourself time. It may take longer than you want but does it really matter? No. It doesn’t. What matters is that you find a long lasting solution to the problem. 

10. Seek help

Seeking help should be on your mind if the problem persists too long. There are a number of sex therapists you can talk to. 

They will help you deal with whatever trauma is causing your sexual anxiety. 


Dealing with sexual performance anxiety is often difficult, but in the end, it opens you up to self-discovery. 

By Ubong

Ubong Johnson is a medic, writer, and editor whose writings explore the complexities of human interactions. He has been published on The Healing Muse, a journal by Upstate Medical University, Blood and Thunder, a journal from Oklahoma University Medical College, and other journals of humanities. Ubong lives in Lagos and is currently undergoing training as a behavioral psychologist.

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